New beginning

I just finished unpacking at my mom's house.
My dad told me to get everything and not to come back.
I guess if this was back then, it would hurt, but I found out what family really feels like, and the value I have for that makes his bitterness seem like nothing.
I called my boss, I might move in with him for the school year. Im not worried at alll..I feel liek I can do it all. School was never a problem and now family is great. My priorities are better, and Im less hollow nowadays. My step dad is extremely nice too..I wonder why I was so snobby around him before...time to correct my mistakes.

Haven't been here forever

Ah sorry.
Super hectic lately. Graduating soon, which is relieving.
That night I got kicked out really opened my eyes. I felt liek I could finally breathe? I didn't need them.
Grandma weighed me.super awkward. Its always smart to drink lots of water before visiting nosey relatives. Either way, I should probably gain. People think Im a little kid.
I haven't cut much lately, I guess it was just too selfish to see my mom hurt.
I think the anti-depressants are helping, but Im not sure. Im not as hopeless and always wanting to die or run away.

Hope hope hope. Hope is good.

Im not psychotic, I have to remind myself that?
Aha that probably means Im psychotic if I have to convince myself otherwise.

Monsters

Some people look like monsters
Some monsters look like people
Fairy tales exist to give us comfort
We make lies become truths
Truths become madness
Sometimes things are blurred
Because we never know who the monsters are

------

No more depressing





So because of all the mayhem lately, I'm semi being kicked out, and moving down to my Mother's.
Which is not all that bad because my whole entire life I never really lived with her before.
It'll be a new expierience.

Well we went to wolflodge for spring break, and thats an indoor water park..which made thigns super awkward because I had cuts all over my stomach, thighs and arms...and Im wearing a two piece..and everybody looks at me like a walking suicide corpse....and my excuse is I fell on the playground. Ugh.

Look at my pale legs! Oh and these are like..the only people I know ..that lives in my mom's area.

He looked at me today.
He even spoke to me.




Spoke.

I wonder if it was out of pity.

Take enough tylenol
Maybe the feelings will stop hurting too
Take enough advil
Maybe the blood will be thinner than air
Breathe deeply
Breathe slowly
The days will stack up
And soon you’ll seem almost alive

I feel like I already know how I'm going to die
Just not when?

I sound like such a dramatic little fuck.

lol

I am sin
Will you purge me
Human pursuits are meaningless
Desire leads to sadness
Nothing can bring happiness

Question

Why do bad things happen to them good people,
Is it your way of tellin me that we are all equal?
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil
Lord, you the one who taught me bout the good and evil

Somebodies dying today a new baby's born,
Some celebrate their life and now their hearts are torn,
Some cry at the funeral, although party the birthdays,
Some say that it's a zen, ying yang ya Earth Waker,
Gave ya the life so we could take it away at anytime he wants

I can't help but feel like an intruder when I walk inside my house.
I can't help but feel like I'm contaminating my siblings when I'm around them.
I can't help but feel disgusting to be in your eyesight.
I can't help but feel resentful when I wake up to see the mirror in the morning.
I can't help but feel nauseous when I think of myself.
I can't help but feel disappointing.
I can't help but feel wrong.
I can't help but feel guilty.

I wanted to be perfect.
And then I ended up killing myself.

Smile
Smile
Till your heart pries open inside out
And you die

But till then, smile

How I spend most lunches

In addition to boggle and coffee. I wonder if I'm addicted to coffee.
I don't like being addicted to anything.
Its scary.

Feelings, not Cancer

I feel confused
I feel artificial
I feel sad
I feel corrupt
I feel hopeless
I feel stubborn
I feel cold
I feel ignorant
I feel empty
I feel hollow

But feelings are just small things

Kar re oak kee

He doesn't sing with much emotions...but his faces tell you otherwise

And he picks boring songs

But I sing with passion and I pick good songs.
Just kidding :)
Not really, oh well I had fun

Masochism

for comfort not pleasure

depraved not deprived

iniquity not inequity

to be or not to be

understood or judged

sympathized or belittled

I am still me

Say hello to Cry baby

but I never understand why.

I is Obnoxious

So I didn't poop for days
I think because my body is not used to actually processing shit?
So now..my back hurts.

Today is 5th day of good me! winkey face placed here.

Espoir

Just as my skin heals, I will eventually heal too.

Hello Sunshine

I have no idea why I've been so..down..depressed lately?
It's really scary, the emptiness I mean. I have no idea why I get these sudden tsunamis of fear..
And then I just sort of drown. But I don't get to die, I just linger there choking and gasping for air.
And its so weird..because sometimes it really does feel liek I'm physically suffocating...and yet I'm breathing just fine.

Makes me dizzy in the head.

This makes me feel really weak though..I want all of this to be gone. So what if I had a rough time growing up, so what if I feel like an outcast at home,
so what if I have emotional problems when I'm not preoccupied.. so what if food and I have a bad relationship. I need to learn to be grateful.
I need to put my time to better use, stop focusing on my nonsense problems and focus on helping others or towards a better future.
For my mom. I need to realize the actions I do affect her as well. And my ex. I need to stop being selfish.

I can change it, with time. Of course effort, it'll change. This isn't me.

Going to start painting on my canvas soon, I'll show it soon (:

Premature Steps

I have pretty sour mornings
I think I was born in the wrong family

Maybe wrong state, country, planet
Perhaps I am an explorer for comfort
For life, normality, happiness, feelings
Real feelings, not just emptiness and sadness and obsession, frusteration

Sometimes I feel more company with strangers
Sometimes they understand more

Im with my real mom today, I think I took a big step tonight

Hi April

Its so hard to breathe right now
I try to sleep but I cant because I have to breathe

And my teeth are free now but my palate is disturbed by the retainers
I talk funny, with a lisp, hard for people to take meseriously sometimes
But thats okay because my funny voice cheers up the sadness or anger in the room


I feel very empty, more than usual
Which is funny because I am also very bloated

I gained so much weight too yet Im still cold all the time
Oh and I say no to ciggarettes now
Because I do not want to make my real mom sad

I make people sad alot
Whats so relieving about cutting anyways
Cut away

Curiosity never really killed the Cat

I wonder if I handed you a gun

What if I begged?

Would you?

I cant stop hurting

Sometimes I'm flushed with this certain feeling
That certain feeling makes me want to disappear
I want to run away
Thats all I ever do
Runaway
Runaway and pretend nothing ever happened
Runaway and pretend nothing existed
Runaway and pretend I'm not here

But then I take a breath and everything is still here...

Hello Future

My step mom noticed the cuts on my thighs today
Those darn gates I must say
Oatmeal soothes my cold flesh
My patient was Russian, Vai she vas a lovely voman
I bought home another black artical of clothing
I love cereal and berries
Even actions that are not me can become habits if I practice

Loving is a good thing, yes.

Again and Again

Smoke
Cut
Again

Swallow
Purge
Again

Starve
Sleep
Again

Bruise
Suffer
Again

What is the point?

Go away

Monster has sharp teeth
Monster is clingy
Monster is selfish
I can't breathe

Monster has rules
Monster is scary
Monster is clever
I can't sleep

Empty out until Monster leaves
Can't empty and Monster grows
Eyes open, Monster stares
Dreams set, Monster glares

Monster
Monster
I can't live

God

I'm not religious or whatever, and I have no knowledge either.
Sometimes I wonder if people believe in God for comfort.
I wonder why people believe in God at all, not that I object.
"The rest is in God's hands"
"She's with God now"
"God will love you"
"Leave that for God to handle"
Is it so easy to say? Does it make you feel safe?
A bit like a mother with big arms always to hold you no matter what.

Lots of kids today only go to church because they're forced to.
Are they truly Christian then?
I wonder.
I asked my step mom if it's good to believe in God, if she still believed.
She said the only thing that matters is that you do what you think is right,
and try not to hurt others.

Saturday Too Plain

So I made a new one, because the other one was way too personal, which I should really consider making private.

But hey guys, hopefully I'll be motivated to update this often.
I think I'll have more fun with creativity on this too, maybe. Hopefully. Yes?

Sometimes tumblr just strips away any sort of individual artistic thoughts or ideas, least I feel that way.
Everything is cluttered with reblogs, simple sentences, and blah blah blah. Someone else's business?

I have no idea what I'm talking about.